you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
I have never heard someone not give a fuck so poetically in my life. I feel like you should be leading men into battle with a speech like that
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
I forgot wine drunk hurts
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize