time to smoke my breakfast
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
I just found puke in my bra..
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
He tried to use a signal flare to light the bong
And?
He melted the stem
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I went through my entire iTunes library and made a playlist called "Feelings". I have 7.5 hours of feelings.
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
Randomize
