saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
It wasn't so much skinny dipping. It more like skinny walking...through a fountain.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
i swear, you were born with a blunt in one hand and somebody else's wallet in the other.
It is officially Christmas time in Chicago. There's a drunk hobo on the CTA singing the first 2 lines of Frosty the Snowman over and over and over.
I'm disease and pregnancy free. This is an Easter for the books!
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
You peed on a flamingo?!?
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