my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'
This is my last and worst hangover of the decade...I almost cherrish it
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
She is the Michael Jordan of blowjobs. Unfortunately, her baby sister is the Michael Jordan of baseball of blowjobs. It does not run in the family.
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
