So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Ok im wearing a joe flacco jersey and full stick on unibrow and hardly anyone else dressed up omg
Omg suz!! take the unibrow off
No! im just getting hammered instead
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
I hooked up with some guy to get over my ex last night. I was terrified until we started doing naked pushups.
He's talking about how great of a find these dollar store condoms were. Help.
Her idea of a bathing suit is... well.. she might not actually even know what one is. I've only ever seen her in a pool drunk and fully clothed or attempting to get into a pool but tripping over her pants which are at her ankles. Drunk.
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
People will call it the Wrath of the Froyo. We'll be immortalized.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
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