sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
How does a law student 15 days away from graduation prepare for a pass fail final? Drinking beer, eating thick cut bacon, and watching game of thrones, that's how
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
It's only funny because he thinks you had sex with him to rob him.
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Just because you got dumped by some loser doeant mean you need Jesus. It just means you need better friends and some booze
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Just fucked my ex's brother. It is clear I dated the wrong one. Is it wrong for me to continue to fuck this one?
Randomize
