Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob
Can we pretty pretty please go to Mardi Gras tomorrow? I promise I'll be a good girl and not puke in a pledges car
Thanks for takin my cousin out last night, sorry I passed out so early
You kidding, the kids a legend. He literally killed a bottle of Jamison, made out with a girl AND her Mom at the bar, stole us slices of pizza and told the cab driver where to go in Spanish. He doesn't even live in the area. Can we keep him?
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize
