At Bonnaroo. Just saw a couple emerge from a port-a-potty. Romantic?
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
I s2g I’m about to get ghosted by a 34 yr old and my Oedipus complex cannot take it
You left your phone here
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