oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
The best was having to tell my 16y/o cuz and her bf that we could see him fingering her in the inner tube. Lucky for them, I'm the cool cousin... and was river-level fuckedup.
Note to self: Don't teach the naked lap rule in beer pong until after youve made a cup..
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
I'm on the struggle bus
just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I mean with a sentence like that I knew I would be cumming
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
The worst thing about having to live at your parents again is the struggle to make up more excuses to cover up the booty calls.
Randomize
