my weekend in 10 words or less: hot friend of a friend, open bar, beach house, sore. In that order too.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
After that we used the in-room hotel coffee pot to warm up some queso. it was brilliant
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Pretty sure this radio station is run by a cult. Good thing it's in Spanish, can't brainwash someone who can't understand you.
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