I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
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