my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
I really think we need to get on this Charlie Sheen bandwagon
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
Sorry for pissing on y'all's floor last night
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
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