It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
Dude on a beach in sicily and a blonde jesus just smoked us out and then tried to makeout with me I am never leaving this place
A young (I'm going to guess late middle school age) kid shouted at me from the crosswalk GAS PUMP OF SHAME! I have peaked in life.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
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