new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.
Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.
i promise ill be ok...btw im only considered "not ok" if i end up in the hospital.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
The best part is every argument that she makes from here on out will be refuted by "Oh hey remember that time you shit yourself wearing someone else's sweatpants at a frat party?"
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
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