I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Whatever he got a sick blow job and his high school fantasy was fulfilled
And that's what dreams are made of
*hilary duff crying in the background*
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
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