This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.
having sex with you is like teaching a dog to tango, it DOESN'T work
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
You thought that the "chillable" logo on the box wine was referring to a city in italy.
i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
Btw I don't have words to express my appreciation at how many times you've had to be on a dirty bar bathroom floor for me in the past two weeks
This place is full of unfortunate mustaches.
Thanks for having me over last night. Sorry I licked rum off your kitchen floor.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
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