I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Hey fuck you and your taint. I'm just riding a canoe called life, back the fuck off. P.s. I need a ride
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
If she gets mad at me, that only means more free time for me. I like to put myself I win win situations. Despite being in a relationship, I still find ways to accomplish my goals.
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
It's a shame things ended how they did. We were well on our way to transforming from acquaintances with benefits to friends with benefits.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
