life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.
i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
i was taking the test and had to adjust my boner and my teacher thought i was cheating or something
This was worse than the time that I shot a bald eagle.
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
PLEASE AT LEAST MEOW SO I KNOW YOU AREN'T DEAD
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
If you left your bike out in front, I just watched some dude steal it.
Randomize
