my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I puked in a solo cup and then offered it to him. So yeah, it was a rough night.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I'm sitting here with a band aid on my labia, this is a first
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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