The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
im mad at you for telling me he ejaculated during "let it go." Thanks for ruining the song forever.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
She's like a squirrel. She spazzes out all the time.
Randomize
