I look like Roseanne just got in a bar fight with Rosie O'Donnell.
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
The claw marks on my back are healing nicely. Just thought you should know.
My bad. Next time I'll wear mittens.
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
Randomize
