How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
KY in my mouth and throat does not a party make.
Hey, do you know the person who woke me up last night at 1 in the morning yelling and being carried through the courtyard?
That was me Mom...
Just got recognized as black out drunk girl. I'm never going to live that down, am I?
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Randomize
