Sacagawea was the original milf.
we just did breakfast shots, I have a black eye and savage garden is on . Best weekend ever
I just used a coupon while buying plan B. The pregnant sales clerk nodded in approval.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Just made a drug contact standing in the sandwich line in the dining hall. Is this real life?
You're my fucking hero.
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