R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
I like how you try to look sexy and just end up looking like a weird boy.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
I took "we live within stumbling distance of the bar" as an invitation and challenge
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Chris used to fill up a Camel Back for thirsty Thursday. God I really miss him, do you remember when he gets out of jail?
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
Randomize
