So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I was trying to drink every time they said planned parenthood but my body isn't cut out for this.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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