Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Dude, I checked into a cathedral... I thought it was a joke, until I found a candle and a whole bunch of coins in my purse
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
There's going to be a velveeta shortage. I'm not drunk any more, this is just dire info.
If my life today were a movie the subtitle would be: Revenge of the Beer Shits
Greattt I just sexted my dad trying to write u back
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
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