i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
He asked me if I "almost moaned"
I can't lisssten to Lou Holtzsss ssspeak anymore
still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
I was covered in mud from my knees down, I smelt like the inside of a port-a-potty and only had mascara on one eye. . . so you know your usual Sunday brunch.
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
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