Nicole vs. Life
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Dude she tried to bite my face off last night, literally. I have never actually felt like a piece of meat until that point in life...
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize