How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
Is it weird that I'm looking up pubic hairstyles?
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize
