I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Why does 2015 have to start with so many regrets?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
Dont be alarmed when you come homeand see a guy handcuffed to your bed. His name is james. Ill uncuff him when I get home
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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