Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Quick how do you hit on a guy in the car behind you? It's important.
Maybe why that's why I'm perpetually single... I can't find a guy with bigger balls than mine.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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