I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
I'm sitting on our balcony drunk. And in my underwear. Our relationship with our neighbors may improve.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
He is getting no nudes from me. I don't even care if I'm losing his legal advice.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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