highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.
the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
a pizza costume came into my possession last night. needless to say i showed up to his house wearing only the pizza, shouting "delivery" into his window.
Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Im going to the gym...covered in the Brazilians cum
And how is that different than any other weeknight in your world
TELL HER ABOUT THE GODDAMNED MOTHERFUCKING POTATOES
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
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