OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
All I've eaten today is cookie dough, pecan pie and three shots of jack. Finals week here I come.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Hey every now and then can you tell me you want to fuck me to boost my confidence? Thanks.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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