we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
antibiotics and champagne: breakfast of champions
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
Not remembering where I left my grinder before vacation #stonerproblems
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
I have to make calls today at work. So I'm gonna call your phone and leave some random messages. Just delete them.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
Randomize
