Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
I may have to steal the boat sober, but I feel that would be harder to explain.
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
I think I just did my first walk of shame. He sent me home with a watermelon from his farm. Southern one night stands.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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