she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
you got coffee,laid,and a sandwich. that never happens when I work
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
There are way too many people I have fucked in this class for this not to be awkward
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
