Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
Randomize
