Never forget that any girl can get her way if she puts her vagina on the table.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Just bought a german beer stein with tuition cash. no regrets
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
I just had a man tell me he was going to think about me when he was fucking his wife tonight. This is my proudest moment as a gay.
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