connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
After he finished he laid there and told me how much work that just was. I looked at him and told him not to ruin a good thing by opening his mouth.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
Randomize
