i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I never thought I could be this turned on by a man wearing racoon tails.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
