Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
I was at a bus stop, eating a load of bread. Fairly sure I'm the poster child for poor students.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
My vibrator broke.
Dude it's been less than twelve hours. Did you sleep?
Don't worry about that. I need a new vibrator.
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