He proposed that we "bone". I've completely given up on boys.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
Like I could say no to two hot people already naked and fucking. Please. I'm not made of stone.
Twice?!
He left cushions on my floor, chocolate on my bra and unexplained scratches on my thighs. I think this one might get a second date.
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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