Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
I'm trying to find some better sex background music so his neighbors don't hate us. This is tedious.
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
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