He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
I got you a "sorry you think I'm pregnant" present
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
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