a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
On blowjobs: "If you decide to go there, you finish the job. No complaining." I don't care if it sounds like she's talking about Iraq, I'm in love.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
i don't know. but im upstairs in the closet with a burger i found in their fridge
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
Don't send me pics of cunning dicks while I'm eating potato chips
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
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