So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
found the other keg... it's in the tree
He woke up screaming about pickles. I think it's gonna be a good day.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
Just saw a cougar do the walk of shame. She asked housekeeping where the fastest elevator was.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Our DD painted my costume on me for tonight. The strippers have been teaching him how to paint costumes.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
She came into the salon and said, "Don't judge me. Yes that's cum in my hair and I want a shampoo, cut and style."
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
I'm praying to the gods of sex we both get laid this weekend. Amen. Love you
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
Randomize
