You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
Where are you? I just made a vodka + cranberry & I’m going to drive there & throw it in your face
why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...
my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.
I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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