I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
where am i from again
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?
logic in its finest
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..
successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here
I want him to come over and snuggle with me but put a bag over his head. Is that rude?
It's not rude if you use a pillowcase that's softer.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
He told me he would make me come so hard I would throw up. I'm actually horrified that he thinks that's something any person would want
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
