youre talking to a girl on facebook chat right now and im sitting behind her in class lol. creepy?
Haha I wonder if my burp offended him. So I gave him a fist pump to signify how friendly I am
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
Randomize
