"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
I spent a good part of the night in a bear hat claiming I'd changed spieces
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
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