opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
Nope. Too hot. We just sat in my tub with cold water spraying on us drinking coronas. This summer heat is killing my libido slowly
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
I just threw in a dip with a guy that superglued his fake tooth back in today. My life is complete.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
He wants me to fart in his mouth and is offering me SOOOO much coke. I'm stuck between a rock and a hard place. GIVE ME ADVICE.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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