I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
