so pretty much your parents know your seeing a girl on the side, let her come over and just dont say anything to your girlfriend?
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
Why did you make me get in the car with you and then not give me a ride? I woke up in a bar with a blanket on me.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
how drunk are you?
Several
I told you naked hot tub wrestling would turn bad now one of us has a gash on the head and another a black eye
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
Randomize
