Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
can we please move this conversation out of my vagina?
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
His hands were made for my vagina.
She is two pictures of justin bieber away from being blocked from my news feed
Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I'm with the hottest fuckin fire fighter right now. I'm ready to fake my own death.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Remember when we thought adulthood would be different than college?
It is different. We had hopes and dreams back then. Now we're just alcoholics.
Randomize
