she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
