I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
When you gave me the first bj i thought 'yep, this girl is going to do great things with her life'
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
Mm. I just want to eat pancakes off of his fine ass.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
You tried to see how many socks you can stuff in yor mouth and I just put on a damp sock. Is this what bestfriends have come to these days???
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
