im having a hard time not telling ppl about ur bathroom story
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Just pee around me
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
