My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Tried to make hash outta one of those keurig machines. I don't know why. Maybe the drunkenness, but now I have mushy bud and no ganja
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
my dry spell has ended & now it's like a tsunami of dick i can't handle it
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
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