I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
Randomize
