Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
The random guy I fucked from craigslist said I had the best smile. I take compliments where i can get them
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
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