Iced coffee. Banana. Two dumps. Life is good.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Improvement. She went from pretending she was the soccer ball in the world cup games and it hurt when they kicked her to passed out on the floor.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Drunk me bought a cell phone last week and began texting sober me. The conversation between the two is still on going.
Randomize
