Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
By the end of the night i was making legitimate noises not just saying moo.
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
I think my body is a cloud. This mixture of things is heavenly. Dare was wrong, drugs are awesome.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
It's a sexual break up. We maintain a friendship and leave any and all sexual attraction out. It's not hard, having a baby is harder than that.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
Randomize
