I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
Life if anyone rolls up to my funeral with shitty weed get them out of there
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
